Hi. My name is TRP & I crave approval.
Once upon a time, years and years ago, a seven year old girl sat on a dinning table tears streaming down her face – in front of her a long division number on an education-toy computer with the timer set to 3 bars. Daddy said, you will not go to bed until you solve this number – Mummy was out of town. The number was something like 365 divide by 12. She was crying because her head was blocked, she had no idea what to do.
I am the little girl in the story.
Yesterday, it dawned on me how much I need/depend on approval and praise. Funny how it has taken years to figure out. I always seem drawn to those you give me the invisible “yes” or “tick”. I flow better with people who fit in this category.
As soon as I am met with criticism, disapproval, I make it my goal to change the mindset of the whoever has this negative opinion of me. I don’t really care whether it is changes me in the process, just as long as their opinion changes. While on this journey, I have lost a bit of myself, hurt a number of good friends not to mention gone way way off the track.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming my issues on daddy – on the contrary, if it wasn’t for him, I do not think I would be half the intelligent person that I am today, pushing myself and believing I can do the impossible. Besides, I was privileged to have had a father who was present and involved in my life, albeit he did it the only way he knew how.
Why am I talking about this, because yesterday another friend of mine had a quite interesting reaction when she saw me. She averted her eyes. Now may be, I am being very self involved, and drawing conclusions out of thin air, but let me put it into context: About 2 months ago, I had to make a decision, one that I knew wouldn’t make any sense to some people when they heard it. She is one of those people. My clue, was my reaction to her averting her eyes, I immediately wanted to explain, set the record straight – one would call it a guilt reaction. Instead, I smiled and walked on.
Why should i even be bothered if she has chosen to lock me out, based on whatever she has been told? The question I have been asking myself. I think it is more because I am not sure what exactly she has been told, clearly I can see the out come of the gossip which lends me to conclude; it must have been bad.
Did I mention I am a control-freak?